by Dr. Cedar Barstow and Gesshin Greenwood
​
In an article (https://www.lionsroar.com/beginners-mind-of-imposter-syndrome/) Zen teacher, Gesshin Greenwood struggles to find the line between humility and self-criticism.  With her permission, here are her words.

Humility is a value that exists in all sects of Buddhism across the world. However, I think in the West we have yet to really come to terms with how to enact humility in a healthy way. As women in this culture, especially, we are conditioned from a young age to be quiet, to defer our needs, to make ourselves small so that the men around us can feel important. This conditioning is combined with the explicit cultural value placed on self-actualization, career success, fame, leadership, and self-promotion. It is no surprise that when we experience career success, we instinctually feel we are somehow wrong and undeserving of success. Psychologists have identified this as “imposter syndrome”—the feeling that we do not belong in leadership positions or deserve material success. . . .  How do we know when self-criticism and imposter syndrome are masquerading as beginner’s mind? What is humility in our practice, and what is self-flagellation?

Since humility is acknowledged as an essential quality of good leaders, this is an intriguing question to ponder.  Clearly the true nature and value of humility is a worthy issue for Right Use of Power practitioners as well as Zen priests.  Greenwood continues.

Humility and self-flagellation are indeed two sides of the same coin. They are intimately close. On the flip side, of this critical voice one can find a meaningful question. The question “Who do you think you are?” can be a sign of self-hatred if the tone is particularly biting, but asked in a different register, this question opens possibilities. “Who are you?” is a question at the heart of Zen practice. When self-hatred sounds in our heads loud and clear, if we recognize it for what it is, we can transform the criticism into an opportunity for further insight. “Who do you think you are?” becomes “Who are you? What are your values? How do you want to be in the world? What is your contribution?”

Feelings of unworthiness and self-criticism are closely connected to a wholesome impulse towards improvement, creativity, and steady motivation. Suzuki Roshi famously said, “In the mind of the beginner there are many possibilities; in the mind of the expert there are few.” True beginner’s mind is expansive. It allows for infinite possibilities. . . . Self-criticism, on the other hand (the voice inside us that says we are terrible spouses, terrible meditators, etc.) is narrow and heavy. It weighs us down and limits possibility. So although the words we use to criticize ourselves sound a bit like humility, the tone, feeling, and end result are quite different. If we catch the cruel voice in our head early enough, before it has had a chance to wreak havoc on our sense of self-worth, we can be alerted to an opportunity for introspection and questioning.

Thank you, Gesshin Greenwood.  I’d like to add that authentic humility is one of the keys to staying connected to those with whom we have a role power differential.  One of the shadow aspects of role power is that it can reduce empathy through the sense of disconnection that can come from high role power social distance.  Humility is the essence of connection.  Humility in its cruel self-criticism form, turns us inward and weakens the self-confidence, strength, and wide perspective that we need as leaders.  There is wisdom in differentiating humility from self-cruelty and the imposter syndrome.

by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed.

ABSTRACT: The power differential and the power paradox are dynamically linked. The power differential is the enhanced amount of role power that accompanies any position of authority. The power paradox is the term given to the information emerging from research that shows that while we have inborn neurological connections for empathy and altruism, these natural impulses tend to degrade when we are in positions of power or rank. Our understanding of this energetic and behavioral link can empower us to stay on the right side of power. This article presents neurological and sociological research from both sides of this paradox and the author posits some factors that influence the misuses of role power. In support of this research, several theories of moral development and ethical intuition and judgment are examined. Two models of power, the traditional one—power as force, and an emerging one—power as applied social intelligence are described and compared. The author offers her view of 12 tenets of the right use of and influence linked to the four aspects of her power spiral. The author believes that changing our personal and collective expectations about right use of power to one that embodies social intelligence and links power with heart is truly ethics as soul work.

​Read the entire article here.

On New Year's Eve every year our household has a "Seven Gates of Light party."  Each room in the house has a small self-reflective activity.  At the sixth gate, our guests write letters to themselves about the questions that they are particularly interested in for the year 2017.  I then mail these letters in the middle of December, 2017.  The seventh gate is soup, bread and conversation.   This year at the fifth gate our guests wrote their responses to two questions on post-it notes that they posted on a large sheet of paper for others to see. 
 
The first question was:  If you were President, what would be on your priority list for your first 100 days?  Early January is the time for looking ahead and thinking about what seeds you want to plant and tend.  Here is a list of some of the things that were of highest importance for our guests.

• Fund creative education endeavors and healing collectives.
• I would give everyone health care and make sure that all Americans had a home.
• Tax top 1% of highest earnings.
• Hear different perspectives and do all I can to lessen suffering, fear, and hate.
• Cut military spending and offer reparations to African Americans.
• Shut down Dakota Access Pipeline, free Leonard Peltier, abolish the Electoral College, stop the "shoot to kill anyone who runs away" police policy, work on climate change, work to end use of fossil fuels, set a national minimum wage of $12.50/hour, increase support for public schools, improve and expand Obama Care and abolish nuclear weapons.
• Universal health care, forgive student loans and establish funded college education.
• Middle east pacification, eliminate ISIS, stop all drone warfare.
• Commit half of Department of Defense budget to clean energy, research and development, and investment in infrastructure re-do.
• Amnesty for all the undocumented.  Close guantanimo prison.
• Revamp congress.  Inspire congress to save this country and the world.
• Teach the US Government to Be Light.  Clean the windshield of graft and corruption and then you will see all the good you could do for the world.
• End the death penalty, disarm, promote peace.
• I would listen to the heart of the world and her people and ask, "Where does it hurt?"

 
The second question was preceded by a quote from Gary Zukov.  Power is energy that is formed by the intentions of the Soul.  It is Light shaped by the intentions of love and compassion guided by wisdom.  It is energy that is focused and directed to fulfillment of the tasks of the Soul upon the Earth, and the development of the personality as a physical instrument of the Soul that is appropriate to those tasks.  The question was: How can you use your power to fulfill the tasks of your soul this year?  Here are a few of the responses.
 

• Honor and lift up others to their potential with empathy, grace, and compassion.
• Love fully, listen fully, show my full self and not let fear stop me.
• I can use my power to volunteer, and to support others in the various groups I belong to.
• Give real hope for the new year.  We have so much power when we unite together.
• Bring love and compassion to those people in my life who need it.
• Focus on goals through God's power.
• I can use my power to teach new skills (art).
• Make my faith visible to others.
• Keep doing what I'm doing.
• Believe in myself.  Rededicate myself to shining and sharing my wisdom.
• Worry less, do more.  Compliment good works and good deeds.
• Stand up for myself.
• I can bring a small light into any darkness.  I can look to the light and remember with each breath.

​I encourage you to think about these questions yourself as part of your preparation for this new year of 2017.

By Susan Springer, Rector of St. Johns Episcopal Church, Boulder, Colorado

In this reflection, Susan speaks about power with heart in describing the conscious development of radiant and energizing love.

This week I reflect on aspects of moral character.
On my way to Meeker Park last weekend to hike in the national forest I passed a Canada goose on the side of the road, standing and staring at the passing cars. Instinctively I slowed down, and then realized the goose wasn’t preparing to cross—he or she was keeping a mourning watch over the body of his or her fallen mate: I caught a glimpse of tangled wings and feathers in a heap in the tall grass. The pair must have taken off from the river and flown low across Highway 7. The first goose made it across. The second must have been hit by a car and fell dead and crumpled in the ditch. This image deeply troubled and stayed with me, and it keeps revisiting me, and so I take it as a prompt to write about the virtues of devotion and steadfastness.

I’d been thinking about those virtues anyway, having just buried two exemplars of them the weekend prior to my hike. Two people who died much too soon, one suddenly and tragically, the other protractedly and tragically; both of them like geese leaving behind mates who now stand by the side of the road, staring numbly at passing cars. That’s what grief does to you.

If you don’t already know the person at whose funeral you are to preside, you get to know them quickly through the conversations you have with their families. You get to know them through the eulogies presented at their funerals. You get to know them in the depth of grief that attends their dying. Eulogies often list the accomplishments a person tallied up during his or her lifetime, but they also usually touch as well upon the virtues a person embodied.

David Brooks, a New York Times columnist and author, published an essay in the NYT exactly one year ago that I liked so much I downloaded and saved it [1]. It’s drawn from his book, “The Road to Character.” Brooks noted that occasionally he ran across someone whose inner goodness radiated outward so much so that it struck him as unusual. After a time he decided he too wanted to radiate inner goodness and so he set out to research what exactly these folks possessed that he didn’t.
He writes, “It occurred to me that there were two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?” Brooks observes that secular culture teaches people how to build resume virtues but not eulogy virtues. I would observe that teaching the latter is the job of parents, friends, and faith communities working together.

Brooks writes that if one lives “for external achievement, years pass and the deepest parts of you go unexplored and unstructured. You lack a moral vocabulary. It is easy to slip into a self-satisfied moral mediocrity. You grade yourself on a forgiving curve. You figure as long as you are not obviously hurting anybody and people seem to like you, you must be O.K. But you live with an unconscious boredom, separated from the deepest meaning of life and the highest moral joys. Gradually, a humiliating gap opens between your actual self and your desired self, between you and those incandescent souls you sometimes meet.”

Through Brook’s research he concluded that inner virtue in a person is built up over time. Christians might borrow St Paul’s language (Ephesians 4:15) to describe that phenomenon as a person growing into the heart and mind of Christ. Brooks writes that in a culture of me-focused social media and rampant selfies, humility is a much-needed virtue that helps someone radiate inner goodness. Again, I think of Paul, this time writing to the Christians at Philippi (2:3-8):  “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.”

Brooks observes that “external success is achieved through competition with others. But character is built during the confrontation with [one’s] own weakness.” Here I find yet another parallel to Paul, who said in 2 Corinthians (12: 8-10): [The Lord] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, [continued Paul] I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”
The recognition that achieving success (external or internal) is only possible through the support and assistance of others is another virtue that Brooks identifies as key to radiating inner goodness. His assertion echoes Paul’s writings when Paul describes Christian community as the body of Christ. Each person is differently and uniquely gifted, all persons in the community are mutually accountable, and all are pulling toward a common and altruistic goal. No one achieves success without the support of the other members of the body.

Brooks identifies what he calls “energizing love” as a virtue that helps radiant people de-center the self. Christians might describe this as the love of Christ and what it leads us to do in his name. For Brooks this leads to a sense of call to do or contribute something to the world beyond one’s own self. He talks about something he calls “the conscience leap”: “In most lives there’s a moment when people strip away all the branding and status symbols [and t] hey leap out beyond the utilitarian logic and crash through the barriers of their fears.”  Scripture refers to this as having faith.

Brooks concludes by naming “a feeling of limitless gratitude” for life as a final contributor to the goal of radiating inner goodness. Curious about what I saw as clear religious themes in his writing, I Googled Mr. Brooks [2] and found he was raised in a Jewish home (and is still somewhat observant), educated at a young age in an independent Episcopal school, and worked at his first job out of college at a Catholic magazine. His book “The Road to Character” is a best-seller that seems to draw teachings from both Hebrew and Christian scriptures and present them in contemporary language to people beset by the self-focus of contemporary culture. In that, Mr. Brooks has done holy work. I’ll bet his soul is becoming incandescent.
 

When there is a role power difference, one person is in an up-power role and the other person is in a down-power role.  Up and down is simply directional.  It does not indicate better or worse.  But up and down does indicate different roles, responsibilities and vulnerabilities.
 
Both partners in the power differential relationship need to understand and own their roles.  The quality of relationship, creativity, collaboration and effectiveness that results when both up- and down-power parties say "yes" to these roles is what I call the alchemy of yes.  Imagine a group of people standing in two circles with the members of the inner circle facing the members of the outer circle.  Those in the inner circle are in an up-power role while those in the outer circle are in a down-power role.  In my training, I invite those in the inner circle to think about the ways they say a "half-yes" to their role power.  There are many reasons, for example, "I'm exhausted."  "I don't have enough confidence."  "I don't like this role."  "I didn't choose it."  "I'm afraid of causing harm."  "I want everyone to like me."  Then they show their "half-yes" in their body and posture.  The outer circle in down-power roles experience their responses to their up-power partners.  Responses are remarkably dramatic:  "I want to protect myself."  "I don't want to engage."  "I want to walk away." "My space feels so small." "I don't have confidence that I will get what I need." "I want to take care of her."  Next the up-power people find their "yes" to their role power and embody this "yes."  There are striking responses of interest, safety, confidence, spaciousness, willingness and good feeling about the relationship.   
 
We then shift to the outer circle and the down-power people name and embody their "half-yes" to their role.  "I don't trust anyone in authority."  "I don't want to give up control."  "I'm tired."  "I don't want to have to do anything.  I just want to be taken care of." "I'm afraid." "Just like always before, this just isn't going to work." "I could be hurt here.  Better be very cautious." "I want and deserve to be the leader here."  Up-power participants noticed their responses to their half-yes clients or employees.  "Looks like really hard work to me."  "They look so scared underneath the outer shell."  "I'm going to have to earn their trust by demonstrating using my power well."  One participant noticed that in her actual job, this is the way most of her clients begin in therapy.  In fact, there is wisdom in down-power caution.  The down-power role is a high-risk role that requires trust in the good ethics of the up-power person.  This trust needs to be earned by demonstrations of personal integrity, and role sensitivity and skill.  A down-power participant noted that the more her up-power partner stayed in her "yes," the more he felt better about being in down-power. When the down-power folks found their "yes" to their role, they felt positive, engaged, hopeful, safe and trusting.  And when both circles were owning and saying yes to their roles, the relationships felt collaborative and healthy.  
 
Two-sided "yes" relationships are what we strive for and are the most productive ones.  Collaborative and healthy relationships are possible and productive within structures that embody a role power difference.  Collaboration doesn't require banishing the power differential or making hierarchy the enemy.  Hakomi Trainer, Morgan Holford, describes the power differential as "linear and round at the same time: right use of hierarchy as a vertical linear line and right use of relationship as a circular surround."
 
The Alchemy of Yes also reflects the 150% principle: the person in the up-power role still has much greater responsibility for the health of the relationship.  In fact, a large part of the up-power role involves earning the trust of the person in the down-power role and helping him or her learn how to make best use of their role.    
 
Here’s a checklist of a few dynamics to be conscious of when using your power.
 
Leader/Helping Professional Power Considerations
_____1. Sometimes I don’t take ownership of my power role.

_____2. Sometimes I have blurred or poor role boundaries and limits.

_____3. Sometimes I am arrogant or over-use my role power.

_____4. Sometimes I have great content, but poor timing.

_____5. Sometimes I have great timing, but poor content.

_____6. Sometimes I’m unwilling to be direct or take a stand.

_____7. Sometimes I’m not in good contact with my client or group.

_____8. Sometimes I try to use or change rules to avoid working with a relationship.

_____9. Sometimes I am too nice or too empathic.

_____10. Sometimes I don’t honor or work with differences well.

 

Follower/Client Considerations:
_____1. Sometimes I hide under the leader.

_____2. Sometimes I engage in too much questioning and doubting.

_____3. Sometimes I undermine the leader.

_____4. Sometimes I compete with the leader.

_____5. Sometimes I pretend to go along.

_____6. Sometimes I complain without suggesting a change.

_____7. Sometimes I am half-present and half-hearted.

_____8. Sometimes I don’t follow through with my agreements.

_____9. Sometimes I’m not emotionally available.

_____10. Sometimes I am not direct with my responses.

 
To increase your skillfulness, pick one or several of these considerations to shift. Consciousness, empathy, and skillfulness are needed in both power differential roles.
 

“I’m trying to imagine ethics without an awareness of power. That would be like trying not to step on anyone’s toes, without an awareness of one’s feet.” —Susan Mikesic

The power differential is the inherently greater power and influence that helping professionals have as compared to the people they help. Understanding both the value and the many impacts of the power differential is the core of ethical awareness. Written codes for ethical behavior are based on the strong positive and negative impacts of this power differential.

People seeking help are in a position in which they must trust in the knowledge and guidance of their caregiver. This results in a greater-than-ordinary vulnerability. Consequently, people are unusually susceptible to harm and confusion through misuses (either under- or overuse) of power and influence.
Examples of Power Inequality“The impact of the role, control, and power difference between client and therapist is very strong and also very subtle, and thus demands a strong ethical stance. In brief, your role as the therapist [or any helping professional] is to create a safe space, empower your client, protect your client’s spirit, and to see a wider perspective.” —Hakomi Institute Code of Ethics preface

Stated another way, there is a power inequality whenever you take on a role that gives you authority over another or creates the perception that you have authority. Power differential roles include: supervisor, clergy, body worker, healer, lawyer, coach, group leader, therapist, counselor, doctor/nurse, mediator, teacher, social worker, massage therapist, guide, and social worker.

Read the rest of the article here

This personal experience of mine in an outback station in Aboriginal land in Australia from about 15 years ago speaks to power misuse and healing between two very diverse races and cultures: white and aboriginal. We dozen “white fellas” had received the personal invitation needed to enter Aboriginal land to visit for ten days. We had driven several thousand miles inland to the river border. On one side of the river, motor boats with ice chests of food and technical fishing equipment, on the other side barefoot aboriginal children fishing with hand held fishing lines wading at the river bank. From the river, we had driven for several days on a rutted, powder dusted, single land road to get to our camp. We had been fishing, we had learned about Tea Tree medicine, we had hunted for bush food, and we had made click sticks. We knew it was a privilege to be there.

For some of us, it had been our third visit. We had been invited to witness ceremonial dances on the first two visits. This time we were invited to join the dance. We ochered our skin with lines of white outlining our bones. We did our best to learn the dance steps. We discovered that dancing involved not just learning the steps, but expanding our field of perception so that we were literally “danced” by our entrainment with the other dancers. We had felt the excitement and energy build as the lights and sounds of the truck entered the ceremonial ground. The truck bringing the boys seemed like a real living being. The boys’ bodies had been elaborately painted with ancestral stories over several days of teachings by their uncles in a sacred and secret enclave. These boys stood tall and proud, receiving the admiration of the entire community as they stepped into this ceremony of boys-becoming-men. We had watched the men accept these boys and the women wail over the loss of their boy children who would no longer be allowed to speak directly to their mothers.

The three day dance had ended in the wee hours of the morning and we had all returned to our sleeping bag “swags” for much needed sleep. The energy was high and sleep had been difficult for most of us.  My experience of the night had been quite strange, especially for one who has little access to liminal information.  I awoke in darkness to a feeling of being watched. I turned my head and saw what seemed like an aboriginal boy on his knees looking at me. Knowing this wasn’t a real person, but truly seeing something, I made up that there was a little bush next to my swag. Others came in for breakfast with their own similar stories. Our guide, James, had been up all night feeling as if a circus had been let out.

As we packed up that day, we got word that Rex, the Head Man, and Cookie, another elder, wanted to come talk with us. This was highly unusual behavior. No one from the community except our guide Audrey had come to our camp during our visit. We had gone to their camp instead.  We told them we would be honored.  They arrived with a painting of a sugar bag ant colony painted by another elder, Charlie. What ensued was a most remarkable conversation that gathered its meaning as it unfolded through our interactions energetically, through gestures and expressions, and through words these elders knew in English and the words our guide knew in their language. This is the best sense we could make of it. These elders had also felt some unusual unleashed energy during the night and were trying to understand it. They seemed to feel that there was some connection between their inviting us to dance with them and this strange energy. They were concerned. They brought out the painting to show us. They told us about someone had tried to copy this painting and done it imperfectly. Soon after he had died. They spoke of stories and pointed to our notebooks and journals. They repeated over and over, “You lawmen now. You lawmen now.” We began to understand that they had let us in on a level of experience and understanding that is beyond what they were used to sharing in their rare contacts with white people. They were now worried about how we would use what we had experienced. They wanted us to know that it was of enormous importance to them that we tell the truth about our experience and not make things up or be inaccurate. If we did, like the man who miscopied the painting, our lives would be in danger.

They began to talk about the “spirits” that were “loose” the night before. They didn’t seem to understand what this meant and wanted to know if we had experienced this energy as well. Assured that we did, they began pointing to each of us, saying, “You good dancer! You good dancer.” They then began to enact, as if on a stage, a horrific memory of an event that had happened at this station some 60 years ago. These two old men, as young boys, had hidden behind some trees in the bush and watched as bounty hunters had come and massacred their relatives. Pointing on his body to various places as if bullet holes, Rex cried, “Shoot ‘em here and shoot ‘em here, and here and here. Why you kill us? Why you kill us? Why you kill us?” We sat, listening, weeping. The Christian missionaries had saved the lives of many of the children by taking them away to mission schools where they were given new names and robbed of their aboriginal heritage by being taught English and Christian ways. A number of the women in this outpost had spent years in mission schools. Rex and Cookie and a handful of others had not been found by the bounty hunters and had stayed on the land.

“You good dancers. You dance with us. You good dancers.” We then began to understand that Rex and Cookie were thinking that the spirits of those who had been shot long ago had been “freed” by our willingness and interest in learning their dance and their culture. Perhaps what I had “seen” next to me in the night was a spirit now freed to be curious. It seemed that we had begun to redeem the past by embracing their culture rather than taking it away. We were different. We had used our power to understand and honor their culture.

Honoring Anna Cox and her work with Compassion Works for All

When I was seven years old, Anna Cox became my best friend. We looked alike, our families were alike, our natures were similar.  Our teacher sometimes couldn't tell us apart.  Now, at 70 we are still dear friends.  About 25 years ago, each of us found our life purpose, I with developing right use of power as the heart of ethics, Anna in working with offering Buddhist meditation and teachings to prisoners, through her organization:  Compassion Works for All.  (www.compassionworksforall.org).

Recently, Compassion Works for All was the recipient of much-needed funds of ____ through a fundraising drive called Arkansas Gives.  As significant prison reform issues rise to national attention these days, I want to use this RUPI issue to give special honor to Anna for her years and years of compassionate, skillful, and effective service to prisoners through her newsletters and teachings.  Her website is a rich source of stories and video teachings for both children and adults.  Here's a very touching story about a gratefulness meditation that Anna did with some prisoners in Little Rock.   


Welcome to another meditation session down at the prison this month.  Many of us, the other 'free world' folks and I, and our Compassion Works for All members, had been all caught up in politics this month. Our state legislature is in session. We have all been advocating for numerous bills but most specifically those for prison reform. As we talk to those in decision-making positions, our efforts have been to 'humanize' the people in prison. We want to impress on those with power that those we advocate for are people. I tell them that you are people trying to grow and heal. I stress that you are quite remarkable.  You have become the change agents from within the prisons, helping each other, and especially helping the young gang members who need to grow up and who need mentors and father figures. It is the inmates who have found healing that offer the most effective rehabilitation in prison. I want you to be seen as valued community members. Instead, with all of our efforts, you are often swept down a black hole and disposed of without a thought.

While I have often pondered about how difficult it is to impress on those with power that these lives in prison matter, I wondered if the men themselves think that their lives have value. How do they see themselves? Do they know themselves as remarkable beings with great gifts?

Perhaps, it would be helpful to look at themselves through the mirror of their friends perceptions of them. So, we started with a meditation on gratefulness. 

Together, we remembered that the state of gratefulness brings us into harmony and balance and healing. I asked them to be grateful for who they are. To remember where they have come from, who they have become, and to feel grateful for who they are becoming. We rested in gratefulness for their unique gifts, their strengths, their skillfulness, and their resilience in growing beyond many very difficult life challenges. I asked them to experience a knowing of who they are today.

Then, I took each man individually by his hands and escorted him around the circle to have each member tell him personally of their gratefulness in having him in their life. Each person shared something felt in that moment, or something they experienced in the past or reflected on a quality. One by one, each person heard the appreciations of all the others for him.

As the men went around, those in the circle responded by standing up and hugging the one before them while they shared, or reaching out and taking his hands, or sharing and then giving him a hug. Nothing was scripted but each interaction was warm and tender and seriously offered. Sometimes they would crack jokes, followed by their loving offering. One man said to another, "I appreciate that you are the only one who eats as many food trays as I do." Or another, "If it were not for you, I would be the shortest guy in the room." But the teasing was with warmth.

Here are some of the other very touching connections that were shared. 


"You took me fishing for the first time when we were little boys." This was said by a man who was locked up at age 16.


"We were in elementary school together. We have known each other all our lives and I love you. You are my rock."

And another: "You were the first person to speak to me when I came to prison."

And: "When I was having such a hard time the other day, you were there for me and really helped me out of a bad time."

Often, they said to one another, "I am grateful that you are my brother. I love you."

One white man who is a devoted Christian said as he hugged an African American man who is Muslim, "You are my brother from another mother."

Another said, "We were in jail together when we were kids and you came back to find me and help me."

Near the end, one black man stood up when a white man making his way around reached out and took his hands. The black man said, "I appreciate you have always been kind to me. I killed your best friend. That is why I am here. But you have always been kind."

The other man said, "Yes, I know."  The 'grateful' man said, "You never held it against me. I am grateful for that."  And the first man said, "I forgive you. You are my friend.  They hugged for a long time.

And one more:  One man had completed making his way around the circle with many heartfelt appreciations shared and then he turned to the others before sitting back down. He said to the group, "When I first came to prison, I had been the ultimate red-neck. I only hung out with those that were like me. Now, I look at this circle of brothers and I am touched by how close I am to all of you. I am in a room with Muslims and Christians and Buddhists, black and white, gay and straight, and I love you all. I am proud to call all of you my brothers. I am grateful that all of you are in my life."


Compassion Works. As they sat down after their round of gratitude, each person was a little misty eyed and in an altered state. They sat still, taking in the comments. I kept saying, feel what was given to you. And they did, deeply. They saw that their lives do matter.