Everyone knows what a boundary is.  It’s a line that divides one state from another; or it’s what one uses to control unwanted behaviors.  A person might say, “That kid needs some limits.”  The trouble is, when you tell a child not to eat the cookie because dinner is in 15 minutes that does not always stop the behavior.  And there are no lines between the states when you see them from an airplane. These boundaries are imaginary (or symbolic, if you prefer).  We use them to make a complex world more manageable.  And all of us behave as if when we draw a line, we actually create separation. But a boundary is not a way to control the behavior of others.  It is simply a place for people to meet.

How do people meet?  Meeting is difficult for mammals, but not for the reasons you might imagine.   According to Thomas Lewis in A General Theory of Love, “Mammals have a bodily connection so… an individual does not direct all of his own functions.  A second person transmits regulatory information that can alter hormone levels, cardiovascular function, sleep rhythms, immune function and more inside the body of the first (italics added).  The reciprocal process occurs simultaneously: the first person regulates the physiology of the second, even as he himself is regulated.” We are all connected to the people around us, whether we want to be or not. They are already inside our skins. A boundary is for you, not others. It keeps you in one state, so you can meet others. That is what I call an Edge.

Think about the last time you set a limit.  Was it easy? Did you hesitate, or not set it at all, because “I’ve tried and tried but he doesn’t listen?” Or “Ah, it doesn’t really matter?” What this “limit” has just done is separated you from yourself.  It separated your thoughts from your feelings.  All it does is make you uncomfortable, and guarantees that whoever you were going to set this limit with will not respond the way you want them to. Much of the time, setting limits makes people feel out of control rather than in control- it has the complete opposite effect than the one that was intended.

If you note your internal state, you can study what kind of uncomfortable you are and take steps to correct it. And because setting limits feels disruptive to us inside, we think it will be disruptive to the individual on the other end. But what is really disruptive to the people on the outside is our own discomfort with setting limits in the first place. We hem and haw, use too many words, demonstrate a deferential posture.  Our words say “Listen to me” and our bodies say “You don’t really have to.” We are split, and can’t be met.

If all your parts are on the same page, then the boundary doesn’t exist within you, disrupting your physiology; it exists between you and the other person; in your extra-personal space; in your visible as opposed to invisible behavior. That is the place we are well and truly met.  Used well, a boundary is the physical expression of our right to exist, organizing us and the people around us at the same time.

by Guest Columnist, Dr. Reynold Feldman

This excerpt from Terranautics 101:  The Basics for Navigating an Uncertain Future  deals with one of the most important abilities—and issues—in the whole book: the right use of power and influence. To be honest, this skillset has as much to do with being ethical as it does with being effective.  In March 2013 my wife, Cedar Barstow, and I brought out a co-authored book entitled Living in the Power Zone: How Right Use of Power Can Transform Your Relationships (Many Realms Publishing). This work was a lay-readership-oriented version of Cedar’s earlier, longer book, The Right Use of Power—The Heart of Ethics (Many Realms Publishing, 2008), subtitled A Resource for the Helping Professional. Both books are based on her two-decades-old work assisting both helping professionals and lay people to use their personal and role power wisely and well—work now being carried forward by the nonprofit Right Use of Power Institute in Boulder, Colorado. In the next few pages I shall try to summarize Cedar’s and my thinking on how to use power sensitively and wisely.

The basic assumption of this body of work is that power is value neutral. The word itself means simply the ability to have an effect or have influence. I think of horse power, that motive energy that can transport people from place to place or even into space and that can also be lethal. The second assumption is that if people are willing—a big if, I admit—virtually anyone can learn to use their power with greater wisdom, sensitivity, and skill. Cedar has in fact developed workshops of various lengths to help participants do just that; has taught those workshops, sometimes with my assistance, around the world; and has also trained more than 250 facilitators to teach Right Use of Power as well.

According to Cedar there are four types of power: personal, professional or role, status, and collective. There’s not much an individual can do about status power, although collectively over time statuses can change. An example of the latter is the Women’s Movement, which has raised the general status and social power of women in many countries. Whereas several generations ago, women were restricted to the German Three Ks (Kinder, Kueche, and Kirche; children, kitchen, and church), the United States may be on the threshold of having a female president, something Germany has had in Chancellor Merkel for a decade. Collective power, as in the Women’s Movement, the Civil Rights Movement, and labor unionism, is based, meanwhile, on the united power of the many. As the Japanese proverb puts it, one stick is easily broken, but a dozen sticks bound together are not.

The Right Use of Power Program focuses primarily on personal and role power. The former is the birthright of everyone. Even a screaming baby has the ability to get others to do its bidding. When it comes to role power, we put on power vis à vis others when we gain the authority of a position. For example, the lowliest managers have power over those reporting to them, while a company’s CEO has power over all the managers, vice presidents, and even her or his Number Two. The question for Cedar is how one negotiates this power differential. Her conclusion is that to be both ethical and effective, we have to use whatever power we have with sensitivity to the feelings and humanity of those below us in the chain of command. Her point is that while an authoritarian boss who uses their up-power position without such sensitivity may get grudging, fear-based support from his or her staff, a leader adept at using power wisely will develop a team that enthusiastically helps achieve the company’s priority goals.

So what must up-power people keep in mind to work most effectively with those lower than them in the pecking order? First, there is the 150% Principle. In any lopsided relationship the boss must remember that whereas all parties to that relationship have 100% responsibility for its success, he or she as the up-power person has for better or worse an additional 50%. What this means in practice is that parents, for example, who are by definition up-power to their children, have to be especially careful about what they say or do. Why? Because a word of criticism or the breaking of a promise on their part can have a profound negative effect on their child. The same is true in the boss-employee relationship. A related idea is understanding that the impact of what we do doesn't necessarily equate with our intentions. Thinking back a generation or two, parents who spanked their children would routinely say things like “I’m doing this for your own good.” From the child’s perspective, however, this larger, stronger authority figure was simply acting like a bully. Often, in fact, the abused child ends up becoming an abuser him- or herself as a parent, and a vicious cycle (the impact) is created from the desire to be a good parent (the intent). Terranauts, especially as they come into leadership positions, therefore need to take into account the importance of implementing the 150% Principle and track when the desired impacts of what they do fail to line up with their intentions. At that point they must have the maturity to make mid-point corrections to insure a more favorable outcome.

A third important concept of the Right Use of Power work is that feedback is an investment in relationship. Often, people in power are screened off and protected from hearing bad news. Moreover, it is frequently dangerous for down-power individuals to suggest to the boss that he or she may be doing something that is self-defeating or wrong. This fear-of-losing-your-job syndrome is doubtless why, in Hans Christian Andersen’s famous fairy tale, none of the king’s courtiers dared to tell their majesty that he was naked. Instead, it took a child who wasn’t on the court payroll. Similarly, in the crash some years ago of an Asian commercial airliner, the co-pilot noticed, per the cockpit recorder, that the pilot had made a life-endangering mistake but was unwilling or unable to point out or correct that mistake of his superior. As a result, several hundred passengers and the entire crew lost their lives. Apparently, the co-pilot was unable to give this crucial feedback to his boss out of respect for the latter’s authority. Yet while providing timely feedback can be crucial, it also creates a stronger bond between the up- and down-power individuals provided the former has the capacity and humility to ask for, graciously accept, and—if appropriate—implement feedback from those in down-power positions.

Obviously, in three pages I am unable to do more than touch upon several of the important concepts and techniques in a body of work contained in 450+ pages of printed text. Nevertheless, Cedar’s overall recommendation can be summarized thus: While standing in our power, we should stay in our hearts. In other words, we need to remember how it feels when those in power treat us well or badly and behave towards those below us as we would want to be treated by our own supervisors. After all, even the mightiest CEO has a board of directors over him or her, and even the President of the United States when he (currently) goes in for his annual physical is down-power to his physician.

If this Golden Rule-style philosophy seems out of place in the corridors of power, this absence may be the cause of so much of the bad news we read about daily in our newspapers. Outstanding leaders rally and mentor their followers by good examples and fair treatment; bad ones do just the opposite. I thus encourage Terranauts to remember and internalize the principles and practices outlined above and to learn to exercise whatever power they have or may assume with wisdom, sensitivity, and skill.

In 1331 "Stefan Dushan ascended the Serbian throne.  In the Serbian language, Dushan is an endearing diminutive of dusha, meaning "soul"--the cognomen one would expect for a kind under whom Serbia reached its zenith of glory.  Dushan sanctioned religious freedom and permitted foreign embassies to be attached to his court.  He established a taxation system and a rule of law--the Dushan code--that featured trials by jury." (Robert D. Kaplan: Balkan Ghosts:  A Journey Through History)

Even earlier, in 1036, Saint Istvan (Steven), Ruler of Hungary, is recorded to have given some wise and enlightened advice to his son, Prince Imre. "Make the strangers welcome in this land. Let them keep their languages and customs. For weak and fragile is the realm that is based on a single language or on a single set of customs."  I found this quote on the wall in a local diamond factory and shop in Vienna.

The Ottoman Turks had great influence on the Balkans beginning in the 16th century when they invaded and brought their religion and culture. Although not found on this Danube cruise, these teachings are notable because the author was a Turk and a Muslim. Haci Bektas Veli (commonly Haji Bektashi), a Sufi master, taught his students:

Search and find.
Educate the women.
Even if you are hurt, don't hurt.
First stage of attainment is modesty.a Sufi teacher,
Whatever you look for, search in you.
Don't forget even your enemy is human.
Control your hand, your word, your lust.
Road that doesn't go through science is perilous.
How nice to ones who put light in the darkness of thought.
Don't do anything to anyone if you don't was it to be done to you.

We found these statements written on a wall at Haji Bektash's mosque in Anatolia, Turkey in 2011 while on our honeymoon. They were written in about 1280 and his vision is similar to the 1948 UN Charter on Human Rights, a remarkable and inspiring modern document.

Power, the ability to have an effect or to have influence, is our birthright. We all have power and need it to survive, to have relationships, and to be productive. Think how much power a baby has when he or she cries or laughs.

Our lives are full of relationships where there are power differences, and we all move back and forth between being in what I call “up-power” and “down-power” roles. For example, there is a power differential between a CEO and the employees, a doctor and the patients, a clergyperson and the parishioners, a teacher and the students. Both sets of people in these relationships have their personal power, but the person in the up-power role has the additional power that accompanies his/her assigned, elected, or earned role. A therapist moves from up-power with a person in therapy to down-power with a supervisor. A CEO going to the dentist moves from up- to down-power. We make this shift more often than we notice.

Research (Google: Joris Lammers, power; Dacher Keltner, power paradox) is showing that people who have greater power act differently from people who have lesser power. Increased or decreased power has cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and somatic effects. “Good” people tend to have the idea that those who abuse their up-power do so because they are simply greedy, fearful, self-aggrandizing, or power-hungry. However, it turns out that the situation is more complicated. Power affects everyone, and unless it is understood and mediated, very often it results in abuses. In fact, the greater the power difference, the greater and more widespread the harm. The widely held idea (Lord Acton) that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” is largely true.

There are two ways to respond to this information. The first is to decide that power is bad; therefore, if you don’t want to cause harm, don’t have power, or if you have it, pretend you don’t. A teacher tries to be “just friends” with her students. A committee chair gives a committee member too many chances to get something done. A therapist fails to assess the effectiveness of the therapeutic process. A CEO doesn’t hold the employees accountable.

The second way is to learn about the effects of power so that you can notice and mediate them by using or responding to positional power with wisdom and skill, whether you are up-power or down-power.

So, what are these effects, and what kind of self-reinforcing loop do these effects create?

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Here are a couple of questions for you. What happens inside you when you when you read or listen to the daily litany of abuse of power, suffering, injustice, murder, war, and destruction of the earth? What do you do when someone close to you has been hurt by unethical actions?

Asking around, these are the things I’ve heard.

“I just get numb because I don’t think I could bear the amount of pain I would feel.”

“Well, I get mad at the news companies because they just seem to look for the bad stuff and don’t give us a balance. There’s good stuff happening too, but I guess that doesn’t sell.”

“I find I can’t see violent movies anymore even if they are Academy Award winners. Hurts too much.”

“I glaze over so I can subdue my feelings.”

“I feel so upset and helpless that it turns to hopelessness. When it’s hopeless, I disempower myself because there’s nothing useful I can do anyway, so why bother?”

“When something gets to me, I can’t sleep at night.”

“I feel disappointed in people. We know better than what we do.”

“I just don’t read the paper or listen to the news anymore. I don’t want to support this kind of newscasting.”

“I try to offset the bad news with looking at the bright side. I think I do this too quickly in an effort to avoid feeling bad.”

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Do any or many of these responses feel familiar to you? Anything you want to add?

Of course, how we deal with human suffering is one of the universal core life questions that each of us must find an answer to. This question has two dimensions—how will you BE with suffering and what will you DO about it? This article speaks to the kinds of inner doing that can help you be with terrible and disturbing things.

Recently, I was singing in a chanting group. One of our songs was a lament. We were to let go in wailing sounds for some minutes, and then we sang the words of the lament. Stefan Waligur, the leader, reminded us that wailing and keening are an historic and current form of individual and group response to suffering, grief, and injustice. Wailing is often, though not always, the work of women on behalf of the whole community or the whole family. Wailing walls. Wailing in the streets. Wailing over the bodies of the dead. For many people and many cultures, this is the appropriate way to respond to terrible things.

For me, the lamenting sounds felt good and relieving. I was surprised because I tend toward stoically managing my feelings. Lamenting as a chant made it more acceptable for me. It felt good to let my whole body move and sound with the expression of deep grief. Stefan suggested we should make a place for group laments in response to a school shooting, flood, or insurrection.

Public or private lamenting, full of sound and movement, is a good antidote to the responses of fury, numbness, and hopelessness that have become our normal reactions.

My friend Robert said he noticed he regularly shut down about, as he called it, “news of the terrible.” He now has a practice of covering his eyes with his hands and taking a moment to let his grief travel through his body and soul after hearing something distressing. He says it helps him stay alive and real. When you numb yourself about bad stuff, you numb yourself about good stuff, too. Numbing is not selective.

A study comparing meditation masters and ordinary people in terms of how they respond to disturbing images found that the people in both groups responded to the disturbing images with an equal level of pain and upset. The only difference was that the meditation masters were more resilient and returned to their normal state of equanimity much sooner. Their emotions were quick spikes, whereas the non-meditators stayed in their distress for a significantly longer time. I think regular lamenting could have the same effect of increasing resilience.

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When you are looking for good leadership, one of the most discerning things to ask about is whether the leader can apologize and take responsibility for repairingrelationships and situations. It seems, however, that the path to making an apology is strewn with obstructions. Here are a few: Leaders may fear that an apology will make them seem weak rather than powerful. Those in positions of power are often removed or even protected from hearing negative feedback and thus don’t know when an apology is needed. Leaders don’t understand the anatomy of apology and thus do it ineffectively. Leaders can over-identify with their up-power roles and forget their capacity to cause great harm. When given role power, leaders tend to lose touch with their natural empathy and compassion. Leaders can understand and use power as control, manipulation, force, and exploitation. In this understanding of power, an apology isn’t even on the screen of a leader’s awareness.

Just as increased responsibility accompanies increased power, so the power of apology increases when genuinely offered by a leader. By way of reassurance, it seems that in actual practice, making an apology reduces the likelihood of legal action. Effective leaders make genuine apologies. Effective apologizers model what could be called “high-road leadership.”

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Here’s an inspiring story from Canada as described by Jocelyn Orr.

“Sitting in the Hakomi training circle during the ‘right use of power’ segment taught by Cedar Barstow, we were instructed on the five aspects of a good apology (recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, repetition). I realized that the hearing I had attended as moral support to one of my clients had quite closely followed these guidelines.

“My client and I sat together in a small room with two other women; one a lawyer representing Canada (who referred to herself as ‘Canada’ throughout the hearing), and another who was the time and record keeper. The agenda was clearly outlined to my client and the process began by Canada’s opening remarks. Canada spoke in the first person and she gently and kindly articulated recognition of the terrible wrongs that she, Canada, had inflicted upon my client. She spoke in general terms but acknowledged that the meeting we were about to participate in was to recognize the specific injuries inflicted upon this woman. Canada took full responsibility for what my client had suffered, and she expressed remorse. We then went forward with the hearing, which required my client to speak of her personal abuse and suffering. Often Canada would stop the process to ask clarifying questions or to gently give the survivor whatever time she needed to gather herself and continue. Canada had specific questions, but my client was generally free to tell her story in her own way and time.

“Canada concluded the meeting with closing remarks which again expressed recognition, responsibility and remorse for the terrible experiences and loss of childhood my client suffered. She spoke of the inadequacy of this form of restitution, but stated that this was the best she, as a nation, could do at this point in our history. ‘No sum of money will ever fully compensate you for your suffering, and for that I am so very sorry,’ she repeated. I was brought to tears by the experience. As my client and I left the building, she expressed her feelings to me: ‘You know, the money is really of no consequence. Having this experience is what I really needed. I feel my country has apologized to me, and I feel a greater degree of healing as a result.’ “

For leaders—and we are all leaders in some aspects of our lives—who are dedicated to right uses of power, the practice of apology has proactive value. John Kador (pp. 223-224 and 239) describes three evolutionary shifts that accompany the practice of apology.

First, “practicing apology challenges ingrained attitudes about power and accountability.” As a leader you must come to see that power requires your accountability. Granting you executive immunity is simply a way of helping you avoid your responsibility.

“Dealing with emotions of apology” comes next. As a leader you must learn to recognize when you have caused harm, be willing to bear knowing the harm you have caused without getting lost in shame, and be capable of the ego vulnerability of offering an apology even when you don’t know how your apology will be received. Finally, you must be able to self-correct. This is true, nondefensive self-awareness.

The third requirement is cultivating “a disposition favorable to personal transparency.” Learning the emotional and practical aspects of apology serves more than the particular relationship it is attempting to repair. Apology also significantly shifts our understanding of power toward a new paradigm in which we use it with wisdom and skill to heal and repair harm, evolve situations and relationships, and promote the common good.

Apologies may be as simple as expressing remorse for stepping on someone’s foot or as deep and complex as apologizing for nationalabuses of power to minorities or other down-power groups: American Indians, blacks, military women who have been raped, aboriginal peoples, children who have been abused by the clergy, or victims of genocide. Apologies can be as interpersonal as between mother and daughter or as multipersonal as a representative of an organization apologizing for the offenses of many in the organization.


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“David, tell Randy you’re sorry.”

“Sorry.”

The mother takes 7-year-old David to another part of the playground. By the sound of the “saaaaawry,” I’m guessing that David was being obedient, but he didn’t really know what he did, didn’t feel like it was his fault, and wasn’t sorry at all.

As adults, we hear (or even give) apologies such as, “I’m sorry you felt hurt.” “If I did something that hurt you, I’m sorry.” “I apologize, but I was really distracted by something else.” “I’m sorry, but you should know that I really love you and you shouldn’t take it so personally. It’s just the way I am.” “I’m sorry, but you are really making too big a deal of this. It is just a little thing.” “I apologize, but give me a break.” “I’m sorry for the problem you had. My assistant is normally on top of things.” When we give such apologies, we can say, as 7-year-old David did, “But I apologized!” However, when the apology (as in the examples above) is an inauthentic or inadequate apology, it doesn’t heal, doesn’t resolve, doesn’t soothe, and the hurt remains unmoved.

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Authentic and effective apology is the very core of healing, clarifying, and restoring relationships, from interpersonal to organizational to cross-cultural ones. A real and well-thought-out apology can, likeforgiveness, cut the cycle of anger, revenge, and hatred. However, making a genuine apology causes the giver to be extremely vulnerable. You are admitting directly to another that you did something that caused harm. This is very humbling! Doing so is also challenging because it’s like leaping off a cliff into the unknown. You are not in charge of how your apology will be received. Your efforts could be harshly rejected, your hopes for healing thrown back in your face.

A client spent some months working with his shame about having abused his younger sister. From a most humble place, he wrote her an apology in the hope that this could be a first step in restoring their relationship. Several weeks later, the letter was returned to him, with “Rejected. You will not be forgiven.” written across his words. He was devastated. Over time he began to look at what he coulddo rather than grieving for the loss of his relationship with his sister.

His sister couldn’t accept his apology, but he could demonstrate that he had learned and changed by volunteering at a women’s crisis center. He also could be proud that he had broken many generations of family history by not abusing his own daughters. These actions, which he was proud of, had shifted his inner wound from the shame of feeling unforgivable to the fact of being unforgiven. He could now move on.

I asked a few of my friends to remember a time when they needed to and did offer someone an apology. Usually, we rightly focus on the feelings and needs of the hurt person, but I wondered what the apologizer got from the process. This is what I heard: “I got to let go of at least some of my guilt.” “The apology was accepted. It repaired the relationship, and the friendship actually got better.” “In the process of getting to being able to apologize, I went through all my defenses and finally got to see something about myself that I didn’t like and face the truth about a familiar and hurtful pattern I had been denying or at least had been unaware of. This was hard work. Once I got it, the apology was easy.” “Honestly, I don’t know if I got anything at all. It was really like just getting it out of the way.” “It was unbelievably relieving for me.” “It took such courage. I try so hard to be ‘good,’ and it was painful but freeing to be able not only to see but to take responsibility for doing a bad thing.” “I learned that it’s really OK to make mistakes. What isn’t OK is not to apologize for them and learn from them.”

Apologies open big doors. As John Kador puts it, “Apology is the bravest gesture we can make to the unknown. … Apologies unmask all the hopes, desires, and uncertainties that make us human because, at the moment of genuine apology, we confront our humanity most fully. At the point of apology we strip off a mask and face our limitations. No wonder we hesitate” (Kador, pp. 43-44).

What is the value of apology to the one who has been wounded? Opportunity for restoring relationship, deescalating conflict, rebalancing power, recovering dignity, letting go and moving on, stopping a cycle of resentment and revenge, and increasing trust in the human capacity for goodness and truth. This is a strong litany. From the biggest perspective, “quarrels often escalate into serious conflicts on the fulcrum of apology. … Throughout human history, endless cycles of revenge and untold suffering have resulted from the denial of effective apology. It’s a tragedy because apology has the power to defuse almost all human conflicts” (Kador, p. 45).

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 Lois Luckett wrote this Letter to the Editor of a newspaper in Louisville, Kentucky on November 24, 2013. “At the corner of Seventh and Main, outside 21C Museum Hotel, stands a golden replica of Michelangelo’s sculpture, The David.  It would appear that Louisville, our honorable city, has unwittingly chosen to host a true icon of Compassion.  A little known fact about this masterpiece came to light as I was studying a museum guide, published by Giunti*, which pictured close ups of different aspects of this magnificent work.  I was drawn to the face of Michelangelo’s David as he is portrayed facing Goliath.  Standing alone, naked, armed with very little, this young shepherd, and one day king, fixes his gaze on the Giant.  He pauses before casting the first stone.  His presence, to this day, commands the rapt attention of all who look upon him.  The close up picture in the guide revealed something, however, that astonished me.  There were hearts deftly carved into both pupils of his eyes!

So I ask, how do you find the courage to face a foe twice your size who intends to destroy you?  How do you stand in the face of extreme injustice and suffering, ready yourself, and choose the next, right thing?  The master, Michelangelo, seems to suggest that we pause for a moment and look upon “the other”, be it outside or inside ourselves, with our heart

 *Pictures from: Ciuccetti, Laura, Michelangelo David, Prato, Italy: Giunti Editore S.p.A., 2004.

( Also see: www.graphics.stanford.edu/projects/mich/head-of-david/head-of-david.html)

Reflections by Cedar:

Lois is a Social Worker and a Right Use of Power Facilitator.  Reading her letter, I, too, was amazed to see these hearts carved into David’s eyes!  It seems a perfect image for the idea of “power with heart” that is central to the Right Use of Power message.  I began reflecting on several questions.  The first one is Lois’ question:  “How do you find the courage to face someone bigger than you who intends to harm you?”  And the second is, “What happens to your vision when you clothe your eyes with compassion?”  (I would appreciate getting your response and will print it in the January Newsletter.)

What happens to your vision and your experience?

For me, looking with compassion broadens my perspective, slows me down, increases my ability to feel connected, and softens my judgments.  I am particularly aware when, as a psychotherapist, I sit down with a client and focus my attention on their concerns.  I sometimes am aware that I don’t think I would like this person if I met them on the street, but I genuinely care about and appreciate them in my therapeutic relationship, where I meet them in mindfulness and kindness.  Another time I notice:  while waiting– in line, in an airport, for something to begin–I try looking at one person after another and saying the Buddhist-inspired phrase, “May you be happy.  May you find peace.”  My whole body softens, the tension or anxiety of waiting drops away, I breathe deeply, and I feel warm and lightly connected.  It certainly works on ME!  I experience, in these instances, that my vision literally has softer edges and my field of vision literally expands.

What gives you the courage?

As for me, I have a long history of freezing when up against situations very much less dire than what faced David.  I feel scared, overwhelmed, and even skillful responses that are in my repertoire disappear like water down a drain.  This shutting down experience is one of the motivators for delving into the issues and dynamics of power.  Over time I’ve learned things.  I’ve learned that power, as the ability to have an effect or to have influence, is not bad or to be avoided.  It is, instead, essential for bringing forth what you have to offer.

Power can be used wisely and well or it can be used to cause egregious harm.  The news is full of the later and a poor representative and advocate of the former.  Of course, to be used wisely and well, one must actually acknowledge or “own” whatever personal power you have and positional power you have when you have it.  Not owning the power that is yours is in itself a misuse of power and causes harm, often particularly dangerous because it can be subtle and unintended.  I’ve learned that power, once owned, has understandable dynamics that can be skillfully used and/or avoided in difficult situations.  I’ve learned that using power for good brings emotional pleasure and satisfaction for the power-user and support and dignity to those who are affected.  And lastly, I’ve learned that you don’t have to choose between power as strength and power as heart.  You can use them together.  This is what I call “power with heart.”  David, with his heart in his eyes was doing what had to be done in the moment.  As we develop more wisdom about how to own and use power, we will learn more and more ways to be effective with less and less harm and more possibilities for using power for the good of all.

What gives me courage?  Some combination of owning my power,  hard-earned skills, simply growing older and having more experience, my passion for and belief in goodness, and my ability to be compassionate, clear and strong.

“My barn burned down.  Now I can see the moon.”

Sadly, the major flood in Boulder and a Connecticut-sized section of northern Colorado inundated the RUPI office and the entire finished downstairs of our house.  The power of water is a dramatic thing.  The automated phone call commanding us to “get to higher ground” sent us upstairs while we watched ourselves become an island with a small river surging through the front yard and another through the back.  Happily, there was no structural damage.  We were however overwhelmed by acts of kindness and right uses of power.  Much of Boulder was untouched, while in other neighborhoods houses were ripped in half.  During the last day of rain, ten neighbors were out with shovels and pick-axes trying to divert water away from our house before the second torrent arrived.  They just showed up.  Over three days, in fact, we counted 48 friends and neighbors who came to help rip out carpet and sheetrock, power-wash four inches of mud from the driveway, drag out dozens of soaking boxes of stored goods from a four-foot-high crawlspace, and spray vinegar to prevent the development of gravely problematic mold and mildew.  A woman unknown to us even came to our house with casserole, bread, and a bottle of wine.  She said, “I didn’t get any damage.  I drove by and saw you all working and thought, ‘What can I do?  I can cook.’  So I’ve brought you some dinner.  I’m sure that is the last thing you are thinking about right now.”  Her kindness to a stranger inspired a river of tears from me.  Finally, the FEMA inspector was compassionate and efficient, and within four days I received a financial grant deposited right into my checking account.  Even our too-often-dysfunctional government can often use its considerable power and resources wisely, quickly, and well.

I’m currently reading a very informative and insightful book by Mark Matousek:  Ethical Wisdom:  What Makes Us Good.  Doing research on this topic, Mark found was that “we feel an uplifting emotion when we find others behaving in virtuous ways.” He calls this emotion “elevation” and lists it as “among the more mysterious gifts of our mirror neuron system.”  He continues:  “The mere act of witnessing character, virtue, beauty, and truth tickles our vagus nerve, which stimulates oxytocin production and evokes in us, among other empathic behaviors, the desire to be better people living better lives.” (Matousek: page 66)  Perhaps you recognize this response, not just to emergencies, but when watching a movie, hearing a story, or reading a book about someone doing the right thing even when things seem hopeless or the odds are stacked.  Think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life or the book Les Miserables.

I saw my theoretical definition of right use of power come to vibrant life in our community.
I experienced individuals, even strangers, using their personal and professional power to help others heal from pain and trauma.  A group of acupuncturists, massage therapists, and body-workers set up a little clinic near our home and offered free sessions for anyone who had been affected by the flood.  (Ren and I took advantage of their generosity on the first day.)  I experienced power used to repair harm (in this case, to property) when friends and neighbors came by for a couple of hours at a time to help dig and rake our yard back toward order.  I experienced power used sensitively to deepen relationships as people worked together and showered us with empathy and good listening.  I experienced power used for the common good as individuals, organizations, churches, community groups, municipal agencies, national and other branches of government, road crews, helicopter rescue teams, police, firemen and women, the National Guard, and more came together to respond.  One anonymous person said to a friend, “Please give these $100 bills out to people you know who might need them.”

This experience of the power of water, professional skills, people working together, governmental resources and expertise, and human resilience and heroism will continue to nourish Ren, me, and many of our fellow Coloradans as a deep, good well of memories that we can draw on when we experience future misuses of power.  I pass this story on to you so that you may benefit from it also.

Once, I invited someone to take my workshop and she replied, “Oh, I don’t need to take your right-use-of-power workshop. I won’t cause any harm because I have good intentions.” I want to talk about how good intentions are necessary but not nearly enough for ethical use of power.

The simplest reason is the profound fact that our impact doesn’t always match our intention. In the example described in this article, the therapist’s intention was to set good and ethical boundaries with her client. The impact on the client, as you will see, was that she felt hurt, abandoned, betrayed, confused, and wrong.

Other reasons include cultural differences, impact of the power differential, projection, shame, and trauma responses. These are subjects for another article.

In the paper the other day, I found a letter in the “Dear Abby” column that was a painful example of how good intentions plus lack of skill and awareness of impact can cause more harm.

Read the rest of the article on GoodTherapy.org

Please note: I am a regular contributor to GoodTherapy.org, an association of mental health professionals from over 30 countries worldwide who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy. GoodTherapy.org is ranked as one of the top therapist directories on the web.